Hello Strangers!

Hello strangers, I am not sure who all will actually read my blog if anyone since it's been about a year since I have last been on this thing. I am so sorry that I pretty much dropped off of the place of the planet for all of you. I loved nothing more than blogging. I still occasionally check in and read in on many of you lovelies.

The reason for my absence is simply that it's been a rough year. Florida was not all we wanted it to be. Granted my husband had a great job, with wonderful hours. I however, could not find anything. The part of Florida that we were in was basically Alabama and just wasn't what we had in mind. We don't have children so I didn't have them to keep me busy and I found myself often getting depressed or lacking any sort of motiviation in life. This was not how I wanted to be feeling.

Pretty much all of the military families we knew had children and around this time we decided we wanted to start a family of our own. Months went by and we still weren't pregnant leading us to wonder if there was something wrong. Meanwhile all around us our friends were getting pregnant with their 2nd and 3rd children. We began to feel lost and no hope, and I of course wasn't working. We began getting tests done and found out we had some issues to work with. We were confused and needed answers. Around this time my husband and I decided that it would be in our best interest to move back to California. I wanted to work again and missed my family terribly. We moved back and started seeking the help of a fertility specialist.

We found a doctor who we thought was great to help us. We continued our plan for baby. After many more months we finally had our first iui. We had no success, we then did 2 more again no success. Finally we began learning about ivf and preparing to take the plunge. Even though it is expensive we found out about a loan program that offered a guarantee. We signed up and started the process. It was not a fun one; I did shots every night for 2 weeks, was in a lot of pain had the retrieva and then the transfer. A few days later we found out it didn't work. God has always been a part of our lives but now more than ever when we needed him we felt and still feel like he had failed us. We found out later from our doctor that the 2 embryos that were transferred were only so so and probably really had no chance of surviving. I had 30 eggs retrieved but out of those 30 only 8 had any chance of becoming a baby that dropped to 4 and then we had 2 of the best left that were frozen. We were told that these were high quality and a good grade. So we decided to transfer our last remaining frozen embryos. Then a few days ago we got more devastating news.

We are still grieving and don't really know where to go from here. Everything that we had been told, told us this would work. I still can't believe we're even in this situation to be honest. We don't know what we did to really deserve this struggle. All of our prayers have left us feeling abandaned and empty. We're taking it one day at a time. So that my friends is what we have been up to and I haven't had the energy or motivation to really blog again. I did need to put my thoughts on paper though. It's all been so bottled up. Things can only get better it's just so hard to see that at the moment. In spite of all this we are trying the best we can, but for now we're just numb.